Unconventional Law Enforcement Careers: the CIA, FBI, & Criminal Prosecutor

Maybe you’ve been laid off or furloughed from your job, or you’re in-between jobs. Maybe you have a kid (or are the kid) thinking about college, or graduating from college into the weird world of post-pandemic uncertainty. Or maybe you have a job, but it’s no longer working for you in this new remote configuration.

The Wall Street Journal says that by the year 2029, the shift to a digital economy will result in a huge demand for high-tech workers and this seems like an obvious duh… but what if you’re not a techie? The Journal’s list of non-tech Hot Jobs on the Horizon include:

• Wind turbine technician (you’ll have to shelve the fact that it kills cute birds, though)
• Nurse practitioner / home health care for aging/dying Boomers (yuck! And I can say that since I’m probably over-the-hill by your estimation)
• Solar PV installer (okay, but working on roofs is dangerous)
• Veterinarian, for all those pets we’ve been acquiring in lockdown (but remember, this job is actually a drag because you have to put so many pets “down”)

So what’s left? Well… have you ever considered working for the CIA, the FBI, or your local state’s attorney’s office as a prosecutor?

But what about George Floyd and BLM and Defund the Police, you say; shouldn’t we shun law enforcement agencies entirely? My answer to you is: unless you’re ready to eliminate all law and order from the land – whereupon we’ll be ruled by chaos + roving tribal bands – you should join them to improve them from within. If you think about it, it really makes sense. Our current Vice President (first woman + first person of color in the role) comes from a heavy law-enforcement background: District Attorney of San Francisco followed by Attorney General of the State of California prior to becoming Senator and now, Veep. And let’s face it: she’s thisclose* to being President of the United States.

The CIA

The CIA is suffering from an image problem with the youth of this country, particularly Gen Zs and Millennials, who recently gave the governmental agency its lowest rank ever. In response, the agency has put out a shiny new website + tweaked their image. And it actually is becoming more diverse (so says NPR), a fact made clear with the nomination and confirmation of the first female Director, Gina Haspel, in 2018.

So what even IS the CIA? It’s the Central Intelligence Agency, or spies who protect American interests at home or abroad. Did you ever see Homeland? Or The Americans (showcasing the Russian version of the CIA, stylishly set in the 80s)? YES those are glamorized versions of the real thing, but the fact is it’s exciting, well-compensated work. So how do you get in?

Your best way of being recruited is to enlist in the Marine Corps and get really good at sniping – as in, taking out targets at distance. If that’s not your thing, don’t fret – you can still serve your country with your brain rather than your brawn, but it requires either techie skills (damn tech again) or advanced language skills – specifically, the languages they want right now. Arabic was hot after 9/11 so I’d imagine Mandarin or Cantonese would be hot right now what with all the China stuff, but don’t quote me. If I knew real secrets I wouldn’t be offloading them on some podunk blog for free!

Hiring pre-requisites for those not drafted out of the military are:

• You must be a US citizen.
• You must physically be in the US, and you’ll probably need to move to Washington, DC.
• You cannot have done drugs in the past twelve months, and to be on the safe side, just don’t do drugs, kids. Trust me, they’ll know.
• You’ll need a college degree (Bachelor’s or higher) with a GPA of at least 3.0.
• You must pass background checks including physical exams, lie detector tests + personality quizzes. No, you won’t fool the lie detector. And you will probably fail the personality quizzes.
• They discourage you following any CIA social media accounts, or telling everyone that you applied like some blabbermouth. If you can’t at least shut up about applying, how can you be trusted with any actual secrets?

The FBI

After seeing the movie The Silence of the Lambs based on the incredible book by Thomas Harris, I was convinced that a post at the FBI was for me. You’re basically enforcing federal laws, so think of it as crimes that cross state lines (as in the movie, below), drug enforcement, human trafficking + lots of white collar crime (counterterrorism/counterintelligence, cyber crime, public corruption, civil rights, transnational organized crime).

As with much law enforcement, there’s a good deal of physicality involved, so agents must be between the ages of 23 + 36 – this is because they require twenty years of service for all benefits to vest by the mandatory retirement age of 57. Additionally, per the FBI’s official website, you must:

• Must be a U.S. Citizen.
• Must be able to obtain a Top Secret SCI (Sensitive Compartmented Information) clearance – so lose the creepy habits + criminal friends.
• Must be in compliance with the FBI Drug Policy (hello? Save your hippie drug use for retirement, when your brain has already turned to mush).
• Have a minimum of a bachelor’s degree from a U.S.-accredited college or university.
• Have at least two years of full-time professional work experience; or one year if you have earned an advanced degree (master’s or higher).
• Possess a valid driver’s license + have six months of driving experience.
• Meet the Special Agent physical fitness standards (start working out yesterday).
• Be available to report to one of the FBI’s 56 Field Offices for interviews.
• If you are currently on active duty in the military, you must be within one year of completing your service before submitting your application.

What’s it really like, though? Check out this video:

Prosecutor

People think cops do all the “enforcement” of laws + of course they’re on the front lines, but did you know that it’s actually US Attorneys (Federal) or ADAs or ASAs (Assistant District Attorneys/Assistant State’s Attorneys) who prosecute the crime(s) in question? YES the defendant (alleged criminal) is brought to jail for booking. But who actually decides? The prosecutor, in something called an information.

When I was set to graduate college, CourtTV was newly broadcasting on television + I became obsessed. Did you know that you can now stream trials live? It’s extraordinary, and I was hooked – hence my detour from pursuing the FBI to going to law school. If you love interacting with people (victims, witnesses, police, and of course, the jury) + also finding solutions for defendant rehabilitation, this may be the job for you.

So how do you become a prosecutor? You’ll need to finish four years of college + take the LSAT: the Law School Admissions Test. This might be a controversial opinion, but it’s a bit like an IQ test or reading comprehension test that you can’t really study for: it’s seeing how you reason, your understanding of logic, and how you interpret information. At least, I didn’t study for it. Here’s an example so you can see what I mean:

Once you’ve graduated with good grades (it doesn’t much matter what you majored in provided it wasn’t Underwater Basket Weaving – which ironically might be a plus for the CIA, given that you’d probably have some pretty boss breath holds) + crushed the LSAT, you’ll hopefully attend law school + graduate – no small feat, considering a third of law school students don’t collect their diploma. And if you’re going to get a 4.0 in any class, ironically it’s not Criminal Law you should focus on: the class you want your top grade in as a prosecutor is Evidence.

Does Ivy League matter? Maybe not as much as attending a law school with a heavy focus on trial advocacy; i.e., all the skills trial lawyers need to dominate in the courtroom. Think I’m kidding? There are trial competitions expressly for this + there’s a reason I was hired by the Queens County District Attorney in their first class of just two (down from it’s already small freshman class of twelve or so) following the hiring freeze after September 11th. It wasn’t because I went to Harvard Law (I didn’t). It’s because I went to the #1 Trial Advocacy law school in the country, and was a member of its Trial Team.

Trust me when I say this is hard work, but it’s also some of the most rewarding work you will ever do. And I should’ve included criminal defense attorneys in this write-up because they are a vital part of justice; I just don’t have as much experience with the job other than opposing them, but I was never one of those people who demonized the other side. They are two halves of the same coin.

Hope this has given you some food for thought – feel free to leave comments or questions.

Thanks for looking! xx

* thisclose means a heartbeat away, if you know what I mean. Please don’t report me for saying what we all know is statistically probable!